Knowing Smile

#92: Knowing His Smile

We had a neighbor before who, for very some strange reason, reminds me of both the sun and the rain, the summer and autumn, all at the same time. He was my first crush – the boy who had deep brown eyes you could drown in and a smile so bright he practically shines. And I, was the unfortunate duckling – the dark scrawny kid who had androgynous haircuts and teeth that were 5 years too big.

I ran after him like a nut. Of course, now I understand what a tremendously horrific prospect that must have been for him. Looking back, I think I would've run away from me if I were him. But he was actually nice enough to be kind to me. He never showed me any hint of meanness. He just smiled. Even when things got awkward, he just smiled. Sometimes it was a smile mixed with confusion. Sometimes, it was a smile to be polite. At other times, it was a smile mixed with pity that he had tried but failed to hide. He probably didn’t have the heart to tell me that I was freaking him out and that his life would be so much easier if he didn’t have me dogging him like a lovesick puppy.

He moved to Maryland before we hit High School. From time to time he’d come back to the Philippines and each time, I would tell myself that I would be better. I will grow my face to match the size of my teeth. I will grow more acceptable as a girl, and look less like a mountain goat. I did all of those and maybe a little bit more. But I never won him. It seemed like the more I tried, the farther he grew.

But he never grew tired of smiling.

Of course I was young and stupid then. But now I understand. Now that I know that my color is beautiful and that my teeth are just the right size, I now know why. I have learned that I could never force someone to like me; I could only try. And after all cards have been laid, I can only hope. And hope as well that I will know when and how to graciously walk away when it’s all over.

Sometimes, when I cannot reciprocate the attention or affection being offered, I catch a glimpse of my reflection on some shiny surface and see my smile mixed with all the things I saw in his – the confusion, politeness, pity, and ultimately the kindness of not letting me see behind his smile.